[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
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Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn鈥檛 offed at a Hallowe鈥檈n party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.