If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
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DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
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o
o
o
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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?