Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
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[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Another interesting #factupdates post!
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.