[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
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Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
it was love at first sight
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀