why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.