If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
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Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
yeet
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again