Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
You Might Also Like
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics