Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
You Might Also Like
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”