even bears disappoint their mothers
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
In case you needed to hear it:
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
this makes me so uncomfortable
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now