Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
You Might Also Like
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!