You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
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it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns