(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
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Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Ain’t no way
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on