My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there