Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
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[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Interior design 👌
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….