I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
This came to me in a dream.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
See..?
.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.