[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
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ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone