They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
You Might Also Like
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?