IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
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Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.