How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Shortcut
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems