I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
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As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her