Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
(True)
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.