Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers