Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
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I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.