Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
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They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Velcrow
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
that de-escalated quickly
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.