Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.