Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
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I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.