“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
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My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people