Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I love it all
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir