Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?