What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
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I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
We’ve all been there
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off