To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk