When ur friends with white people
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Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
WHO DID THIS?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes