[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
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starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk