*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I hate everything
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.