fly smarter, not harder
You Might Also Like
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth