My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
You Might Also Like
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport