Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
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Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
What flavor cupcake are these
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok