i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes