DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
This is always good for a laugh.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.