when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.