REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
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me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
This will never not be funny 😭
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.