My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
You Might Also Like
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
LOL
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
guys I’m going home
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Passwords are more important than ever.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years