H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
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I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Lube but for my dry humor.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.