Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
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Haha good job!!
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.