I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
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*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Netflix: We have Less
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.