I feel attacked.
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When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’