No one told me my life would become so much googling it
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[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”