My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
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[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”