*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
You Might Also Like
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Omg 🤣
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.