I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
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The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
bears
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate