[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
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ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I am, perchance
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.